Life is like driving a car. There are
multiple destination we can drive to: some of them pleasant, some of them
unpleasant; some of them rich and exciting, some of them poor and
horrifying. Everyone assumes that their happiness is determined by which
destination they drive to. In fact, we’re so convinced of this that we spend
most of our lives focused on driving to the best destination possible and
getting there as quickly as possible, preferably quicker than anybody else.
But research shows that where we drive isn’t what makes us happy in the long
run (as our psychological immune system showed us). In fact, what
increases our baseline happiness is how much control we feel we have
over driving.10
People who feel they have little to no control over where they’re going
experience low baseline levels of happiness regardless of the destinations and
experiences they have along the way. People who feel they have complete
control of where they’re going experience high baseline levels of
happiness regardless of the quality of destinations they go to.
You can be rich, famous, have everything you ever wanted, but if you feel like
you had no control of it, like you didn’t deserve it or earn it, you will be
miserable. Ever wonder why so many celebrities and millionaires become
addicts or even kill themselves? There you go.
You can be middle-class, have few possessions, a bad job, but if you feel like
you have control over your life and your destiny, then you will be happy.
So the trick is to learn how to take more control over our lives, to feel like we
have more control on where we end up and how we get there. How do we do
that? There are a few ways:
1. Take Responsibility for Everything In Your Life. Before we even
discuss ways in which you can take more control over your life and
determine your personal destination, it’s crucially important that you
begin to take full responsibility for everything that occurs in your life.
That means the evil boss who treats you poorly, your car that keeps
breaking down, not having enough money to move into your own
apartment, being out of shape and unattractive, everything. You have
responsibility for everything that occurs in your life. You may not be
responsible for it happening to you, but you’re always responsible for
how you respond to it.
Good things and bad things happen to all of us. What distinguishes us
is how we harness what happens to us. Some people grow up in well-todo families with everything handed to them and they end up being
miserable and alone for most of their lives. Other people grow up being
shot at in the ghetto, barely able to eat, and they become some of the
happiest and most successful people on the planet. What’s the
difference?
You can’t change your circumstances until you believe you control
them. And you can’t control your circumstances until you decide to
take responsibility for them. That means the therapist who treated you poorly is your responsibility. The job you lost is your responsibility.
The medical bills you can’t pay are your responsibility. The date who
didn’t show up to dinner is your responsibility. At every turn ask
yourself not “Why did this happen to me?” but instead “What am I
going to do about it?”
2.Build a strong habit of courage. Chances are there are many things in
your life that you want that you’re afraid to pursue or act on because
they intimidate you or cause you to experience a lot of anxiety. It could
be something as simple as approaching the cute girl in your economics
class or as complex and life-changing as quitting your job and starting
your own business.
The fact is, the less courage you have, the less you’re going to be able
to act despite the fear, the less control over your life you’re going to
have, and, therefore, the lower your baseline level of happiness will
be.
3. Set and achieve small and attainable goals. Most people, when they
want to make a change in their life, try to make multiple drastic shifts in
a single mome
Oct 13, 2020