Man my case is the same as yours but worse, I fuc*ed Up bad and those thoughts will torture you like mine started at 18-21 for 4 years and still persistent the thing is nothing is gonna help you with your situation this version you is you accept who you are and [Move forward even if you fuck up] [ Move forward even after you fu*k up] Secondly stop being who you are not your not normal your head is messed up place and the only comfort / peace you can get is through saddens ( trust me being happy and free is (death) those good old days won't come back forget about them forget about being happy and getting your peace. Thirdly In any case In situations like this try not to think distract yourself with work because if you don't those thoughts will be in your head as if some thing/ some entity is telling about those thoughts even if you don't want to think about it as long as you do this those nightmare thoughts are gonna stop ( They will come back from time to time to torture you again) So to Put it simple there is no getting out of this but think of my advice as pain killer] Last advice Don't talk at all Shut the fuck up at all times be aware of you words mind your thoughts(Don't think or try to stop those thoughts it will only get even Worse) the more you try not to think you will only think about them #Dont kill yourself You do that and and you will go to hell trust me man Hell is nightmare is place for those were God wrath will forever will be. Anyways your getting advice from person who has lost Hope in living and lives just for the sake of being alive Bro smoking and drugs will not help you they will make it Much worse you know what they say easy way and hard life or choose the path I told you Hard way and easy life with where peace can be attainable if not to the fullest Something is better than nothing even if it is small Again your case might be different from mine I just assumed it as my case so excuse me If I don't help at all. *Pray and Hope that God will help you* If you find this helpful drop like below