Bro, first try to have a positive self talk. this kind of mentality isn't heath for you. second try to have yensha abat. When you sin you have to confess. Third I currently fight the same fight that you are, we are in the fire age, and this is the age that our father and lords wants us to do all the rightful thing, on the other hand this is also the age that the devil wants to control. So my advice is that try to read the bible, listen to sibkets(e.g: Aba Gebrekidan), when those thought come don't try to enjoy them, just let them float in your mind, then God will help you and give you the strength to perish them. Lastly, you shouldn't be jealous of your deakon friends, you should be PROUD of them and pray for them. Plus, remember that you have a purpose in you life that God have put for you, you don't know, your son maybe the next patriarch of our Church. So, Try to live to fulfill you purpose and live the life of our father, lord Jesus Christ. May the blessing of our mother, the holy virgin Mary be upon you. Amen .