I am close with someone who experienced sth similar to you, and that person have found happiness with someone even tho, just like you that person thought happiness and being loved was elusive to them. I'm telling you this to say that it's possible to be loved. But while I can never comprehend what you went through and are going through, I think instead of being loved, you should focus on loving yourself. Whatever happened doesn't define you, and shouldn't affect how you view yourself. You are not extra, and you are enough, and each day can be the best day of our lives as long as we accept and love ourselves and offer love for others.