Her not being with you at your worst says a lot, says enough even. If I were you I would try my best to move on. At the beginning you said that God was not on your side, one thing I've learned is that we are the ones who need to be on God's side, God is always there so we are the one who choose to either be close to him or stay far from God. Ik you're in a bad place now but that too shall pass, hang in there.